Saturday, October 6, 2007

My heart's never been this heavy before.

I left house at 12.45pm, which was very late considering I was to have tuition at 1pm in AMK. So I was frantic and sms-ed my tutor that I'd be late. Whilst waiting for the bus, there was this old man walking towards my bus stop. He was soothing his chest and taking rly shallow breaths and seemed rly in a precarious situation where he was about to have an heart attack. (at least that seemed like what was happening to me) cos he was carressing his chest and was extremely very out of breath. I was so worried that he would just collapsed but I stood rooted to the ground in extreme shock not knowing what to do. I think he took 10minutes to walk that 100m. There was this auntie at the busstop who caught my eye and we both walked to him at the same time and walked him to the seat at the busstop.

(conversation in chinese)

me: uncle, are you ok? Do you want me to call an ambulance for you?
uncle: no no, ambulance very expensive, need $75. can you tell me how to go Alexandra Hospital?
me: (thinking that Alexandra hospital was at queenstown, i rly didnt know how to go and he seemed rly unfit to go on a bus ride) uncle, why don't you take a taxi then?
uncle: (took out his wallet) is $7 enough?
me: (y'll knw about all the crazy cab hikes yeah) no, i don't think so.

so the auntie gave him $10 and asked him to take a cab. And i asked him once again if he wanted me to call an ambulance cos i was rly scared that he would collapse cos even when he talked he was so out of breath. and somewhere in the midst of the conversation he told me that he had a stroke before. I couldn't really hear him cos he was so soft and i didn't dare to ask again.

I asked him to give me his family member's phone number so that I could call them to come down but he said his son asked him to meet him at Alexandra Hospital and was busy or something lah. I told you I didnt dare to ask him even when I couldnt hear him.

So we walked a little away from the bus stop and started hailing taxis to no avail. They were either occupied or some taxi drivers just zoomed past even though they saw us. I really think they didn't want someone to die in their cab.

This is the worst part. 166 came and I was reallyreally late already so I told the uncle that my bus was here already and he assured me that he would be ok and asked me to run along. Then he kept saying he was ok he was ok, and I was really at a loss of whether to stay with him or board the bus. In the end, I boarded the bus because I was really confused.

I hated myself the moment the bus left my busstop. My whole heart sank, I was so so worried for the old man, I was so worried he would just collapse on the road without anyone knowing or something would happen to him in the cab, or he won't be able to get a cab and got to bear with the pain for a longer period of time without anybody beside him. I hated myself. I hate myself for being so non civic conscious, hate myself for leaving him there alone. I had thoughts of alighting the bus and going back, but I was afraid that he would have gotten a cab already and wasn't there already. Throughout my whole journey, I was contemplating and thinking if I should alight the bus.

I called Javin 3minutes after boarding the bus cos I felt so so so bad, the guilt was so horrid.

him: where are you now?
me: at thomson plaza's bus stop.
him: eh! me too! im at the busstop opposite you! you're on the single deck 166 right!
me: yah yah! what are you there for?
him: i go cut hair.

Haha, and that made me laugh cos we have this private joke about him cutting his hair. Hahaha. So when my bus left the stop, I saw him opposite but he didn't see me. Gosh, imagine if I didn't call him, I wouldnt have even known I've just passed him by like that. Haha its so drama, like those drama serials where two people pass by each other without knowing. Lols.

him: oh i know, i go your busstop now lah, then i find the uncle and give him my phone and tell him that you're on the line. then you can talk to him and know that he's ok.

I thought that was very nice of him but I told him that the uncle might not be there already, might have gone and I didn't want to waste his time. I was really really confused then so I told him that I should go call my mother. And we hung up.

Oh god, when I heard my mother's voice I wanted to cry already. It's like when you were young and you fall down and scraped your knee badly and the teachers help disinfect your wound and you don't cry and be brave, but once your mother comes, and you see her, you just can't help crying it out. Crying out all the pain you've been bearing with. It's that familiarity of her eyes and how worried she is and just simply everything about her.

I asked her if she was free because she was out with my dad, and I know she knew that something was wrong from the way I talked and she immediately switched to her very caring and soothing tone and asked me what was wrong. So I told her everything and I started crying. And she said that she was sure that the man knew when he really needed help cos he was old already and this wouldnt have been his first time moreover he had a stroke before so he would know when he needed help and when he could still manage on his own. And she said if the old man was really that sick, his family wouldn't have left him wandering like that. But I told her maybe the old man was ok but its a relapse.

Then she reminded me that there was still the element of deceive in it, he might be a fraud just to trick people into giving him money, but I was taking none of that because he seemed so real. It was like he was really sick. And she said she was sure the old man would be fine because if something untoward really happened to him on the road, there would be drivers to stop and help and people from the busstop as well. And she said many others reassuring things as well. She said alot of things that made sense about old people and their ailments. It didn't exactly make me feel better, but it made me feel more surreal. I don't know, but I was very glad I called her.

So I hung and talked with elijah. He told me that once this old man was coughing really badly and asked him for money to see a doctor and elijah refused and then the old suddenly was ok and even turned violent towards elijah and started scolding him. Elijah said he saw his fair share of such frauds and was pretty much with his stand that the old man I saw was a fraud.

However, I really couldn't bring myself to believe that that man was a fraud because he really seemed so sick and was so thankful that the auntie gave him $10 and asked how he could return her and he even made that gesture of the gong xi fa cai gesture and kept saying thank you. And when I left him he kept saying thank you profusely also. Elijah said that was because he was given money thats why he keep saying thank you. But then I said he didn't ask for the money at all, it was us that went up to help him. Sigh, I really don't know. If this man really is a fraud, then this world really isn't what I think it is. My mother says I'm still young and takes such things too seriously because I've never seen worst before. But, what could be worst than walking away from a probably dying man when you know you could have done more to help him?

I could have continued hailing the taxi with him and accompany him to the hospital and inform his family. What if he just collapse on the road? What if I flip the obituaries tomorrow and see his face there? It would be all my fault that I didn't help him, I could have saved his life. But, I chose to walk away.

How could I ever live with this guilt?

I told my tutor about it and started crying all over again. She said she was really suspicious about this man cos my area is quite ulu especially from the direction he was walking from, like where did he come from? why was he there? there's no HDB or whatever in this area. The nearest thing is the police academy and she doubted that he was there, so she really doubted him and gave quite substanstial reasons about it. She too thought that it was a fraud.

But I just can't accept it. If he really is fraud, then I must be the most foolish idiot in this world, still worrying about him here. He could be taking the $10 for a good meal while I fret and worry and be overwhelmed with guilt. It's like being toyed.

But he was so real, like he really really really was on the verge of collapsing, and it really fears me to see him this way. He was so vulnerable and I couldn't do anything about it. No wait, I could have, but I didn't.

I should have followed him to the hospital, this way I would be sure that he would be ok and this way, if he's really a fraud, then he would be exposed too and I would be here complaining and totally furious instead of depressed and guilt-ridden and with a heavy heart. Either way, I should have accompanied him. I damn well regret it.

It's this nagging guilt, this remorse. This feeling that you know you could have saved a life but you chose not to. I really don't know how to say it. It sucks.

I thank Aldrich for making me smile and providing me with some sense of stability and telling me stupid things to make me smile.

And I've come to realise that its people who are older than me who take things easier, they are the ones who think it's a fraud. Whereas its people like Javin and Aldrich who are my age, they really worry and fret with me. No, Javin did. Aldrich didn't. Aldrich laughed it off and tried to make me laugh with him. Javin was sombre and took it seriously, even though he did consider the element of deception. Actually, everybody did. But at that point of time when it happened to me, I didn't think that he was fooling me at all. Elijah tried his hardest to convince me its a fraud. I thank my mom for helping me both sides of the issue. I really couldnt have survived the day if not for that simple telephone call to her.

I really want to know how the old man is now.
I want to know that he's gonna be ok.
I really am helplessly guilt stricken.
I really hope he's not a fraud,
If not I'll feel really.. really..
I'll lose faith and belief in believing in hope.

Javin told me not to read the newspapers tomorrow.

You were the first person I thought of when this happened.

2 comments:

Huiwen said...

Woman, please don't worry. I'm sure the old man will be fine and if there was only one reason for that, it would be because people like that auntie and you that showed him concern, that there are people who actually care, even if they're just strangers.

I wouldn't have thought for once that he was a fraud. And in fact, I don't think it was naive or anything of you to not believe that too. While it's an extremely sad fact of life that such people actually exist (oh the scum of the earth) always remember that there are still many others that are true and sincere too!

If someone took advantage of another person's trust, that would hurt and probably cause that person to stop trusting. But one bad encounter shouldn't be a reason to stop trusting everyone, because that would only serve to diminish further whatever little people like that there are left.

It's ironic how it just takes one black sheep to ruin everything, but one good soul isn't anywhere near enough to make things better. Though it is a step, however small. The world could definitely do with more good souls like you- otherwise, this vicious cycle isn't gonna end.

(Lol I sound so serious and everything. I hope you feel better woman! Rmb I'm here for you k :D ♥ you!)

Anonymous said...

doreen. i know how you feel. maybe i havent been in the same situation as you before but i do know how you feel. though the world these days is super scheming and people all around us are telling us to be wary of every single thing, we all just gotta have a lil faith and trust in the ppl around us sometimes.

so yes woman, i trust that he's a good guy and that he's not scheming.

even if he was scheming, think about it. the $10 the woman gave him might help him by making him happy and help him at least get a decent meal so he doesnt have to continue scheming other people. so you see, either way, the $10 did help.

if it were me, i would have also gone off on the bus :( i know, super bad, but then again, its only in hindsight that we realise that we've gone against our conscience and done the thing we didnt wanna do, simply cause of our selfish needs. its just the way it is. dont feel guilty abt it cause think of it this way, if even for those few mins that you were with the man, he felt that some people cared for him, that might be enough for him yes?

maybe you were only meant to do so much. please dont feel guilty. oh man after i read that entry i was filled with a heavy heart too. i know the guilt and the "oh man what if he got into more trouble just cause i left early" feeling. but woman, the more you worry abt it, the worse you're making yourself feel.

for now, you can only pray that the man's fine. rmb what i said above about having a lil trust? have this trust in yourself now. or have faith. have faith that everything will be fine.

hugs. (: