To cry badly for 2 hours last night in the wee hours of the morning made me realise how much it hurts to be so close to all your loved ones once again then leave them, again. It just hurts so badly this second time around, it just hurts to see how nothing is the same anymore. Afterall it has been 4 years of a bond, its so hard to forget, so painful to recall knowing that now I'm so far away. Too far away to dry a friend's tears, too far away to give someone i love a hug, too far away to look into a loved one's eyes while conversing, too far away to ask for my tears to be dried, too far away to ask for a hug, too far away, too far away to be a few steps away from my parent's room where I always seek solace. It just hurts to see how everyone is together but you're alone, it just hurts to see how everyone is leading similar lives but yours is just so different now, it just hurts to know that you can't laugh the way you did with those familiar people cracking their familiar style of jokes.

I miss debbie, the way she makes me laugh nuts. I miss how I could sneak to her house in the night and laugh the night away with her. I regret it so much that I didn't hug her before I left her house that night just simply because I was too exhausted because we fell asleep. I miss the way I can be so honest with her, telling her everything and not worry about being judged, I miss the way we recall back the good old days when we were in sec 1 and laugh ourselves nuts when we think back about those days. Although things have changed - our conversation topics have significantly grown more mature, the way we look have changed, but some things just don't. Like how hard I laugh when she's with me, like how I bare my heart only to her.. Some things just don't change.

I miss huiwen and how we had our gossipgirlies moment and being paranoid of being caught. I miss the way we agree about things. I miss how we always stand in front of the starbucks counter for minutes just to decide what to have, i miss her laughing at me for always being so blur, i even miss the way she sulks.

I miss keith and his huge show of affection. I miss the way his hugs always catch me off guard, i miss the way he can't understand me, i miss the way he gives the 'forget it i give up look' when things get complicated, i miss the way i keep pressing him for a certain issue, i miss whining 'omg keith why your legs so long', i miss his humour.

I miss bezner and his wry humour, the way he writes random things on random things.I miss the way he says "err ok", i miss seeing him solve his rubix cube in seconds, i miss how techinically geeky his words can become, i miss giving him the confused look whenever i don't understand what he's saying cos half the time i don't, i miss messing up his hair that can never be messed up, i miss bezner and his smile. oh and i miss how paranoid he is about passing his germs to us! hahaha.

I miss grace and her boyfriend and our good laughs that day. I miss how there never was a moment of silence, just lots and lots of laughing and gossips. I miss the way grace looked when she saw me, i miss the way her boyfriend sacarstically speaks clearly simply because i couldn't understand his accent for the first few hours. I miss the way grace and her boyfriend comunicate cos its just plain hilarious. I really miss those good laughs.

I miss bling and theresa. I miss shopping with them already. I miss the way we try change clothes on and take numerous pictures. I miss the way bling always encourage me to try different things, i miss how theresa and i love our bread and butter, i miss the way they speak cos its plain funny. :D

And I miss seowhwee cos she always make me laugh.
And I miss qiying and how cute she is.
And I miss zachary and his "err" and he would ruffle his hair.
And I miss samuel and how vain he is.
And I miss yusheng when he gives his bochap look.
And I miss zhenghui and firdaus cos the same jokes are just not funny if they're not the ones telling it.

I don't deny that here in Trinity would be much easier than in JC. That's why I feel detached, like I'm not worth it, worth all these wonderful friends who are working so hard yet here I am taking the easier route out. It's just unfair that we went through the exact same thing for the past 4 years yet now, they're having it so harsh yet I'm having it so easy. I know that this is a stupid thinking but I can't help thinking this way. I feel as if I'm escaping, running away and it does feel a tad guilty. To see how my friends are juggling between the immense stress of school work and cca makes me ashamed to think of how much more laidback it is here. It's not to say that it's not at all tough here, it is, but its just not that tough.

Sometimes I wonder if I made a right choice in choosing Trinity. Although there are things in here we learn that won't be taught there but still.. Here, we learn to be independent, do our own washing, cooking, tidying up and learning to prioritise. Here, we learn how to grow up on our own, something in Sg we'd never be able to learn cos whatever happens, we just fall back on our parents. But if I studied in JC, i'd learn how to cope with stress, learn how to make time out, and of course, academically it'd definitely be more rich than it is here. However, some of it would be redundant. Here in trinity, things we do are relevant to what we want to do respectively in the University so well, there are the pros and cons which i constantly weigh.

I just feel guilty to see my friends suffering so much yet I'm having it so easy.

I miss everyone so much. My family, my friends, my dog, the food, how green Sg is (really, when i went back, i realised how much trees Sg actually have, its amazing). I miss Mayflower.

I wonder if I made the right choice in going back this March. It's causing so much regrets and so much doubts, but it gave me all the joy and laughter.

I don't know nothing anymore.