And so, today is the one thousand eight hundred and twenty fifth day.

My, oh my.

What do you do when your heart's in the most broken state?

What do you do when you see all your hopes let down?

What do you do when the person you love says the most hurtful things?

What do you do when you know you're stepping into a relationship you shouldn't be anywhere near?

What do you do when everything you pre-conceived about someone seems to all be a fiction now?

How do you cope being a friend to someone whom you were once crazily in love with and never quite gotten over?

How long does it take before you break down at your own lie of "As long as he's happy, I'm happy"?

How much does it take?

She tried giving her all, but it wasn't enough.

So someone tell her, what's the stake, really.

Will she always be at the losing end?

You know how it is? Stepping into a party filled with strangers looking at you awkwardly walking in while you frantically scan the room for the one person who invited you? And you get even more awkward because you know every pore of your body is screaming "LET ME OUT OF HERE!!"

But it's a little different this time, because you do know everyone now. But how do you fill those gaps that allowed weeks to slip by, how do you fill those spaces that should have been filled with heartfelt concern and superficial greetings?

I know I should really go, get me grounded into something I should not be running away from for who knows what. But the first step out of this exclusive shell I've chosen to retreat in is always the hardest. For now, I've gotta believe the world's embracing my entrance.

On a lighter note, Christmas this year was spent with the family in a debut fashion.

"Sometimes you have to pretend that you're happy and fine. Untill you realise that your pretension has become your strength to move on." - Foreverisjustaword @ tumblr

I believe in a lifetime, at one point of your life, you'd find a special someone.

Not the ones you fall in love with and have butterflies in your stomach for, but the ones you entrust your darkest secret with - that secret you're so ashamed of, that secret that makes you think it's the end of the world if anyone else knew.

This special someone I'm talking about is the one you know you can call at 4.15am and you so know she'll scream at you for the first 20 seconds but will then say "hey, what's wrong?" This special someone knows the difference when your brows are furrowed - whether it means "I'm thinking" or "I'm so mad at you right now." She knows when you open your gift and you're faking that "Oh my goodness I love it so much! Thank you!!" When you're actually thinking "This gift is useless. I so wanted that pair of earrings instead."

Oh yeah, she knows. Trust me, she knows when you're faking it.

And I'm proud to say as I'm writing this, I've got a couple of my closest friends flashing through my head.

And you know what, as much as I haven't met that man whom I want to spend the rest of my life with, I thank God that I've got these friends to go through emotional nights, cranky days and just share random snippets of my life with.

You know, you girls can actually be the template for my future boyfriend. With some editing of course. ;)

This is the sweetest thing.

Source: http://fuckyeahhlove.tumblr.com

To the Guy She Chose

Hey Guy She Chose,

I wrote you this letter to let you know just how lucky you are to have her. I wanted you to realize the privileges and the obligations you have, now that you and her have a “thing” already. After months of secretly hating you, I think I’ve finally accepted the fact that she chose you. She gave you the privilege to spoil her, to hold her, to hug her, to kiss her, and to love her. She chose to make herself vulnerable to you and you alone. I hope you’ve realized just how hard it was to get that close to her.

We haven’t formally met but I found out quite a few things about you already. Yes, I did some sort of a background check on you; but, it was just to see if you were indeed the better choice. Fortunately or unfortunately, you were and still are, I hope. The mere fact that you’re sort of together now, already shows that you are better than me. I just hope you won’t make the same mistake I did.

With that, don’t assume that she’ll give you hints for you to make a move. She expects you to take the initiative. Don’t belittle her anger. She can be a real bitch if she wanted and can tear you to pieces. Don’t underestimate her determination and perseverance to get what she wants. She’s part of her dream school’s cheer squad—one of the most prestigious squads in the country. Don’t be a sissy; show her how much she means to you. She can be a bit dense sometimes. Don’t change her. Don’t hurt her. Don’t expect more than what she can give. Most importantly, don’t give up on her. That would be the stupidest thing you’d dare do in your life.

She may not be the best debater, but she fights for what she believes in. She may not be the best basketball player, but she tries her best. She may not have the best grades, but she is intelligent. She may not be the best dancer, but she can bust a move. She may not be part of Victoria Secret’s Angels, but she is beautiful. She may not be as generous as Mother Teresa, but she does have a heart. She may not be so sweet at the start, but she can give you one thing she knows you can break—her heart. To cut it short, she was, is, and will always be an awesome girl. She’s one of those girls that would have real impact on your life, whether you realize it now or not. She’s the type of girl you’d always care for, no matter what happens. She has the capability to push you to make that bold leap.

In the end, this is less than half of what you’d discover about her. There is an infinite number of ways and words to describe her, but all of them still wouldn’t be enough. You have the privilege to know how much of a great girl she is. You have the chance to spoil her as much as you can. You have the joy to hold her hand as long as you want. You have the pleasure to hug her as tight as you can. You have the privilege to kiss her as passionately as you can. You have the honor to love her as much as you possibly can. You are immensely lucky. Don’t waste your time with her. You may not get another. However, it shouldn’t be all about her. So, smile when she makes you happy. Let her know when she makes you mad. Miss her when she’s not there. Be the greatest man you can possibly be when you’re with her. She’s not just some other girl. She is worth every breath, every broken arm, every smile, every tear, and every second of every minute of every day. Never forget that.

Sincerely,

The One Who Can Finally Move On

I've been watching Drop Dead Diva and you know what, I am so proud of this show.

It is perhaps the few American tv shows that doesn't have any sex scenes at all. A few romantic kisses here and there but no real steamy, raunchy ones that makes it awkward when your parents catch you watching it.

And guess what, for me, that is such a bonus factor. This show has so many underlying values and morals that I don't even know where to begin.

Sure many of us like a few passionate scenes in our shows once in awhile, it does spice things up a little. But Hollywood seems to be taking it too far at times.

I appreciate the honesty of this show. I like the fact that families can get together and watch this show on the telly together. This series perhaps doesn't possess the star qualities of the makings of a one hit wonder that comes with sex, scandals and lies but it speaks up for a marginalised community. It goes against the conventional and deals with issues like bullying, ostracising, unconventional ways that people deal with grief, challenging social norms.

I like how every episode I learn something new - whether it's a new fact or an emotional lesson.

Season 3 is highly anticipated.

Whoever is reading this, should give this show a shot. ;)

I miss writing, but I don't know what to write about.

It seems mundane to blog about everyday life in general and I've got all these random thoughts running through my head but none seems substantial enough to pen down. (This being one of them)

And you who are still reading, good on you. I am very proud of you, you indeed are a really good friend and you should make yourself known to me.

*****

She fumbles around in the dark, grasping the empty air in front of her.

She can't see a thing, not even her fingers. The trickle of one drop of cold sweat tickles her left temple and triggered the waves of panic in her. She cocks her head, desperate to listen to something other than her pounding heartbeat and the constant ticking of the clockwork mechanism.

She holds her breath, waiting for something to happen, someone to come through.

Then it hit her, nothing is going to happen.

She's stuck here in this capsule of frozen time.

* I can't wait for Gold Coast next Monday!! My first real overseas trip on a plane with friends only! Not school-organized, no parents, no teachers! WOOOOHOOO!!! And I can get to wear all the new summer clothes I bought! Best! HAHA. :P

* As frequency lessens, I start believing that maybe its not time, maybe I'm not even ready, maybe I don't even know what I want. Small changes make big differences.

* I am worried about the whole moving house thing, am I doing the right thing?

* I am feeling abit sick and I don't want to be sick before the big trip.

* I feel so grown up calling the property estate agent, going down for house inspection. Someone told me that I am an adult, that I've grown up already. It still came as a shock.

* I wish I can be less fickle-minded than this, in terms of everything.

* It's raining, it's so cold.

* Japanese buffet tonight was alright. Definitely not somewhere we'd go again. SORRY LAKSANA, THOUGHT YOU WERE DAMN FREE SINCE URE ON HOLIDAY, DIDNT THINK U'D HAVE SO MUCH WORK! THANKS FOR COMING :D

OH TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING!!!!!

Happy Spring :)

We make up our own Valentines Day, hehehe (:

Today, feels like something's a little amiss.

Over the weekend, Andrea, Davin, Joseph and I went to a vineyard in a faraway place for dinner! The whole restaurant was empty, it's like as if we booked the whole restaurant to ourself! HAHAHA! Because it's a restaurant that overlooks the vineyard, people usually come in the evening (not like us ah, 8.30pm then reach) so that they can take it the scenery while having their meal. (hahahhaa laksana, obviously this is not i ownself think up one :P) The food was good, I absolutely loveddd Joseph's chicken! idk why. Hahaha! I had my first kangaroo meat! Apparently, kangaroos are overpopulating in Aussie! HAHA. Yes, I'm just trying to justify myself to whoever is out there thinking that I am killing cutesy jumpy long-tailed animals. The ambience of the restaurant is really good! Very romantic, very cosy :)

Dinner with Billy last night at our favourite Korean restaurant! HAHA. Awesome stuff. And I watched abit of TVB drama at the bubble tea shop we went after dinner! MY FAV ACTOR WAS IN IT! :D

Omg this is such a busy week. Yes I know it doesnt sound like it from the previous 2 paragraphs, but trust me, its the busiest one so far with 2 assignments and 2 tests! Urgh.

planetUNI camp this weeeeeeeeekend!

Omg Andrea introduced me to Famous Amos! OMG SO NICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

And I bought a stereo! OMG I LOVE! It's sleek design, how when you press open the CD cover thing will slide up and you put your disc in, and you can see the disc spinning from the outside. IT IS SO SLEEK SO COOL PLEASE. Budget for buying a stereo got pushed up thrice from $50 to $100 to $150, in the end still have to push up more. Why now want to buy one decent stereo also so ex ah.

BUT, it's so nice, the sound is amazing.

"If it was me, I would turn to you and tell you that it's only you and I here tonight."

To my bestest bestest girl in the world

Knowing that both of us are like IT dumbos, technology decided to fail us. I'm sorry I didn't dare to take a step forward when you seemed to be uncontactable, I'm sorry I stopped trying when you seemed to be afraid and shrinking back, I'm sorry I got frustrated so quickly when I didn't get any respond. Thinking of giving you "your own space" was dumb because I secretly knew I have to be there.

*waves a red flag* HELLO IM HERE. I don't want to email you anymore, I don't want to text you anymore, I'm here. I don't know what other means I can get to you without having to doubt whether you actually recieved the message or not. I'm not running away anymore, I'm here.

One day, something happened. And I sort of feel how you felt like that time. It was so scary and nervewrecking, and I wondered how each time you go through it. I couldn't stop thinking of you, sorry I never picked up the phone or started on that email.

Text me.
+6140 5678 728
Got lots to tell you.

I'm attending Adelene's and Chernxi's graduation today!!

Wahh, so exciting lah, my first real uni graduation ceremony to attend! hahaha! :D Hopefully the weather would be nice and glorious! YIPPIE!

Dinner, accounting assignment, Pancake Parlour!!! :D

Sleeping to dream about you,
Dreaming of shooting stars. :)

Today, I recieved an email from a very unexpected friend. :)

I always thought you don't really care,
that it doesnt mean much to you,
but wow,
everything in that email gave me quite a shock :)

Today the weather was craaaazy!!! There was even warning from the weather beaureau advising people to start coming home from work at 2pm to avoid "destructive winds!" Those kind of winds that go up to 120km/h and uproot trees! It was thaat bad! Plus, I was supposed to have Kingdom Purpose tonight, and while I was talking on the phone, there was a hailstorm going on outside and winds were roaring! SO SCARY PLEASE. Winds were predicted to come in at about 5pm, and it sure did! The wind these few days have been absurd!

But after I got changed, I recieved a text from church saying that Kingdom Purpose has been cancelled due to weather conditions! HAHA! So Billy decided to go for movie together. OMG INGLORIOUS BASTERDS IS SUCH A BADDDD SHOW. IT WASTED 3HOURS OF MY TIMEEEE. The movie started at 9.20pm, and it only ended at like 12.15am. OMG. No wonder in the theatre I keep feeling like the show is never endinggg. Omg the show has noo climax at all. Zzzz. Brad Pitt's shows are getting worse and worse! The last one was Burn After Reading and it sucked too. -.-

Well, at least I got to eat Nando's and cookies&cream icecreaaamm :D

Have to complete..

Business Law Essay by Monday.
Accounting Assignment by Monday.
Marketing test on Wednesday.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

OHHHH AND THE 4 OF US ARE GOING GOLD COAST TOGETHER AT THE END OF SEPTEMBER!!!! OMGGGGG!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

I've been very hooked onto Jason Mraz's songs these days.



It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a storie
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la

It takes a night to make it done
And it takes a day to make you young brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la

It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a lost before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is full of
Ah la la la la la life is so full of love
Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la life is full of
Ah la la la la la life is so full of love


Meaningful. It always takes something to make you realise something doesnt it? :)



I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you
I'm feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town.
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
and they all fall down.
And as I lay me down tonight,
I close my eyes, what a beautiful sight.

Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so damn tired.
Of havin' to live without you
But I, I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.
Oh, yes I am



I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair
Well you were everywhere, out there.
I woke up in the ditches.
I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere. Oh love,
Well, you were nowhere at home.
As I lay me back to sleep,
This love I pray that I can Keep.

Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so damn tired.
Of having to live without you
But I, I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.

I'm so tired.

Well its Just a little lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night. Once I dry my eyes I'll...

Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so damn tired.
Of having to live without you
But I, I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.
I'm so...tired.

**

Yup, and as of today, I've found out that I am C.P.

So, are you going to change me? Or am I going to be this way for a few more years down the road. I hope I stay to see, I hope I don't run away.

Tonight was simple, but amazing (: Had dinner at some taiwanese cafe at box hill, food wasnt all that great but company was good. When asked to watch a movie, I was pleasantly surprised cos wasn't this early dinner so that we could go back earlier to get some work done? :) Hmm, hehe :) G.I Joe was a fantastic movie, I think the bad reviews I've been getting from friends are not justified at all! And it also made me realised that it actually is possible for someone to remain seated in the same position for 2 hours. Lol, incredible. Grocery shopping was fun and meaningful at 10.30pm :P

Papadum, mushroom, chicken, garlic bread, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, paper towel... I brought home so much than what was in my basket. :)$60 of food and necessities, priceless memories ((((:

Thank God for you, and today. >.<

I really really...

OOOOH I BOUGHT MYSELF A VERY LOVELY COUNTRY ROAD WALLET YSTD :D

It is all going to be ok. :)

Hakunamatata! >.<

Maybe that was a red light for me to stop and think what's right and what's wrong. What should go on and what should not.

It was a timely reminder.
But no matter what, I'm so happy the green light's on again :)

I don't want to be this afraid anymore; God's the rock on which I stand.

Now I actually know, how much I want the light to always be green.

**

ANYHOO, to whoever's still reading this. HELLO, you must love me alot to continue reading this blog. HAHAHA :D

Anyway, to YOU YOU YOU AND YOU, I'm doing good in Melbourne! A little too busy than I'd like my start of the semester to be, but all else, it's good. It's really cold at times though! and uh.. i've made some new friends! which is good :D

and and i almost burn andrea's house down today. HAHAHA.

andddd, andrea's house is like my 2nd home now. thank you veli much laksa, i love you too :) hehehhehehe.

and, God's gonna do great things at Beautiful Woman!

and i've got tutorial at 10am and its 2am now! sei lo..

And, if all I can be is a listening ear, then I'll be that.

And, I am also happy to speak to you tonight, too. :)

goodnight!

And here I am sitting thinking, if things were to change, it would have long ago. Why after so many events that happened, now? I'm beginning to truly realise how much these few months have been revolving around this one person, how so much of my time is just circling and circling around this one person. What happened? Did you realise something? Did something happen? When everything that should have been discussed has already been talked about, what do you say? Maybe I've let you in too much and too soon, and maybe it scares you as much as it scares me. As we take baby steps apart, I hope there won't come a day where I would lose sight of you. You've been a very good friend. I hope this awkward phase would pass soon. It kind of sucks, and kind of makes me feel sad. I wonder if you even feel anything, whether you've even tried picking up the phone or if you have even given a thought about it. And if you did, why didn't you press the buttons?

Was trying to get along my day, pretending like I didn't feel all weird in the inside, pretending it's all ok. When I came home, I had dinner, I watched shows, then I listened to Casting Crowns.. And it started cracking. Then I opened my bible and it flipped to Matthew 7:34 - So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring his own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

It's the parable about Jesus teaching about worries. And so, I started giving thanks to what happened today. That the tram and train and bus all came as I reached the stop or station, that I woke up, that I didnt burn andrea's house down, that I went for my macro tut. And I came to realise, focusing on the goodness of God , to focus on what his strength can do than what my inability can't do, is a far lighter yoke.

Yes, of course I still think about what's happening or going to happen to us, ok not us, just you and i. But it isn't with that much of a heaviness or gloominess. I still have trouble submitting completely to this other person, but at least now my heart's happier to try.

Psalms 42:5
Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise Him again-
my Saviour and my God!

God, what's your plan?

Last night was the most horrible night in a long time.

I have problems typing "b" on my keyboard.

I am going to stay at home and read and play the piano today.

I am flying back in a week.

I don't know what to expect.

I wish I could say it out loud.

I hope there isn't any guessing games going on.

I think I should learn to REALLY surrender it all to the Lord, I think I should REALLY learn to lean on His strength, and REALLY know He has everything planned.

Go to bed.

Close my eyes.

And wait.