I got really mixed responses for my previous entry. First one was from Grace whom is also feeling the same way as I am, and more or less answered most of my questions of to why I feel this way. Then it was Nurul M who said she was feeling this way too just a few days ago.



So I wonder, how many people doubt the choices they make. I wonder how many people question what they're doing now. I wonder how many people truly and really enjoy what they're doing now. And of course I do know people who really love where they are at, but this mostly apply to people who are doing poly cos it's more focused. Like people like angeline toh, im sure she loves what she's doing. Homework now to her is most probably not a bore anymore haha (: But I think mostly people, as much as they doubt, they still enjoy what they're doing now, which is a good thing. But I guess people can't help but think of the field of grass that always seem to be greener on the other side.



So are you questioning about the road you took that's more travelled, or less travelled?



And of course Samuel was the one who gave me my expected answer of "are you crazy, you having such a good life there you wanna come back to JC?" I know, i totally understand why you think this way too, cos sometimes I question myself that too.



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Urbanlife was rly good tonight (:



Sharing session of tonight was about something I've been struggling been with myself. A kind of sin that I know is wrong in the eyes of the Lord, but everytime I do it, even as I'm doing it, I have this thought telling me in my head "no Doreen, this is wrong." It might be just my conscience, but it could have been God. And even as I do that thing I do, I feel guilty, before, during and after. But I can't stop, I just can't. And I feel total condemnation and just keep telling myself "ok, next time cannot. next time cannot" or "one last time one last time". This thing has been weighing me down, and you know that feeling of you know something is wrong yet you're still doing it? It isn't that enjoyable.



And I haven't been able to be honest with God about this, like I just chuck it aside and pretend like it's ok.



But today, sharing session was about this whole sin thing. And it just hit the nail on the head and everything just took a homerun. I cried like nuts confessing my mistakes, asking Him to lead me, telling Him that I can't do this alone, it's His integrity that I need to live by, I don't wanna do this any further. No more condemnation, only His grace, love and forgiveness.



Oh before that, we had worship right. Omggg, so good. I don't know how long it has been since I bawled my eyes out like that during church/urbanlife already. Omgg. At first when worship started, tricia told us to surrender everything to God.



And I had this picture in my mind.



There was this cottage in the middle of a forest. So there was a house, the garden, and a white wood door cum fence thing. Then I was walking towards the gate, and Jesus was on the other side of the gate (which means he's in the garden). Then there was me, lugging this huge black garbage bag and I dragged myself to the front gate. But i didn't open, I couldn't, I just stood there, right in front of the gate which seperated me from God with my garbage bag weighing down on me. Then I looked at God, and He walked towards me, opened the gate, took the garbage bag from me and said "Welcome home, precious." Mm yes, I'm totally feeling it. (: It's just awesome.



Lord I lay it all down

I lay it all down

I lay it all down

At your feet



And I recieved prayer from Adelene and Tricia and woah, were they amazing or what. When Adelene prayed for me I started sobbing, then later when Tricia prayed for me, WOAH, FULL ON MAN. Then later after I cooled down, Tricia suddenly called my name as she was leading worship and told me about a vision she got about me. And that vision, made me break down again. I just felt so loved by God you know. These days I've been feeling quite bad about not spending much time with God cos I've been sleeping late, addicted to the internet, going out with friends and I feel really bad about just not speaking to him, not spending enough time with Him. I realise I've got this really bad thing I need to change. God's gifts to me are like in bursts of continuous shots. And more often than not, it happens in consecutive days. And during those days, I'll be all so pumped up and so full of his goodness, but after that I'll just slack back and be contented with what he has just lavished me with. And that's really bad, I don't wanna be contented. I wanna always thirst for more, hunger for more, desire more, because as Pastor Matt said, if you don't take one step forward everyday, you're actually backsliding and not just being stationary cos everyone else is moving a step forward except you.



Gosh.



You know, actually before I left for urbanlife today, I wasn't expecting much. It was a kind of "Oh, since you've spoken to me the last time already, then it would be awesome if you still spoke to me this week, but if not its ok" kind of attitude. But everything today was nothing like I expected, he spoke to me so powerfully and dealt with issues I've kept to myself. And really, if you know me, there's really nothing about me that I can keep to myself. I'm the sort of person even if one strand of white hair grow out of my head I also must tell someone (most likey call andrea and scream) or lala to debbie online or shriek at ys/javin/kan. It's like once something happen to me, I cannot just sit down and think about it. I must must tell someone (which is totally opposite of laksa) so yeah.



Sorry I digressed.



So anyway, this issue that I've been bogged down by is something I never told anyone, something I suppress in me. But God has been working on me, dealing with this, and it just makes me feel like some things even if I don't say, he knows it too. Why? Cos He's the creator of all things.



God never fails to amaze me.



I <3>

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Ok I think my biological clock is screwed too. I've been sleeping at 5am these days. Gawsh, andrea said I was crazy.

3 men were gossiping about me today. TSKTSK.

HAHAHHA BLOG HOPPING HAS MADE ME DUG OUT LOTSSSSS OF DIRTY SECRETS OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE. secrets of my pae mates, trinity people, sajc people muahahha im such a stalker.