And so I booked my flight home.

But this trip back is purely for family because I realise for the past 3 times I went home, I didn't spend much (or even any) quality time at all with my family. My mom was busy working, I was busy meeting friends and everything was just so neglected.

When I told Andrea I booked my flight home, she told me she expected it to happen. When I told my housemate I'm going home, she said she had a feeling I was going to cos I was too cool and calm when I said I didnt miss my family at the start of holidays.

It all made me feel quite loserish cos I was the one proclaiming how dumb it would be if I keep going home every holiday, it's like I'm not even here at all to study, like keep going back like that. And now I have to eat my own words. Yeah, it kind of sucks. But it got me thinking on how throughout this year I keep giving up on things I say I would accomplish, giving up on things I say I would achieve, giving up on things I say I would make as a routine.

It's like ever since I came here, I lost my discipline, lost that rigour in me. It's like this whole year is such a fluke and I haven't achieved anything at all this year. I hate the way I am now, how I don't perserve anymore, how I just give up on myself, how I let myself loose, how I take things the easy way out and most of all, I hate how I hate everything now, but I'm not doing anything about it.

I may tell people alot of things about me, big and small, random or essential, stupid or important. But it doesn't mean I tell everyone everything about my life that's happening. And it's these things that hurt the most. I'm not someone who can keep things about myself to people I love, but circumstances force me to and sometimes it gets suffocating.

Yesterday Andrea and I had a very deep conversation, a conversation that got me thinking about my life and the state I'm in now. She asked me what was my worst grade for O levels, and after pondering, I said B3. And she asked me why am I giving up on Melbourne Univeristy, I'm someone who can do well in things I don't like just as long as I work hard of it. I'm not one of those who once I hated something, I wouldn't touch it at all, so why am I not putting in effort to study. She said alot of other things that I thought of before, but it's just different when someone speaks it into your heart, your mind, it's just that much more impactful, hurts that much more, and gets you think that much longer and deeper. It hurt of course, but that's what kept me going.

So, thank you Andrea. When I didn't speak to you when you were talking or after you were done talking, it wasn't because I was angry with you but because I was thinking. When I cried, yes it was because it hurt but for all the right reasons and at the right spots. So, thank you. <3

Yesterday I was reminded of what Andrea said to me about 1 week ago. She reminded me that I'm only 17 and I don't have to carry unnecessary burdens and just have to focus on what's important now at my age and enjoy what's meant to be enjoyed at this teenage age of mine and not to fret over things that are too mature, too heavy, too suffocating for me. And when she told me that, I totally didn't understand why she suddenly told me that, it totally didn't click with what I was going through then and I was left confused. But I always knew that it must mean something cos she suddenly told me that after I was done praying before I sleep. And when she told me it, I started crying even though I didn't know what it meant. And I think yesterday, it finally clicked.

This time when I go back, I want to stregnthen my ties with my family, spend all my time with them. This trip back is short, real short, shortest ever, and I wanna spend every moment with them. I want to stay at home and cook for my mother and just chillax with her in bed talking nonsense and important stuff. I want to go out with both my brother and my mother for lunch. I want to watch heroes marathon with my brother in his room again. I want to have a family dinner that's full of chatters and laughters each and everytime.

Only my brother knows of this trip that I'm making back home. My parents don't know anything. It's meant to be a surprise for them. And each time I think of ways to surprise them, I start crying and it hurts to know how much I miss them and I really want to take the next flight home to see them but I've got to wait till Tuesday. I never knew I miss them this much. And the only reason I could think of is that maybe I've stopped myself frm thinking of them this way cos I know how much it hurts and each and everytime it just brings tears to my eyes.

I miss my family alot, now I dare admit and I dare proclaim. And we've got lots of talking to do.

Andrea sorry for leaving you alone again. I forgot that Joseph's dad was coming over next week. I'm sorry Andrea, I only thought of myself and how much I wanted and needed to go home. Sorry Andrea.

And Lim Debbie, don't scream when you see this cos I DID try to call you to tell you I'm going back but you weren't at home. I called your home today on Saturday, 11.30am SG time ok. One of your brothers said you weren't home. I think it was Sylvester cos he sounded sooooo much like you that when he said hello, I was like DEBBIE! then he sounded so confused :S zzz.

Alright, goodbye. Off to shower and get ready for the event tonight. Andrea, sorry for troubling you to go home so rush to get my receipt for me! Thank youu!

Today is a very emotional day.